dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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