I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize