So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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