i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
