my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I had to cum in my sink.
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