Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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