You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize