Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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