dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
