i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I forget how to act sober
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
