The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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