I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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