I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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