i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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