So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
