If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
