Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
