Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
