She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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