You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
this is an emotional support booty call
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
