he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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