He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
