theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
