genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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