it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
