Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
