apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
