a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
