why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
