Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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