It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
