Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
