Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
