I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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