Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
