If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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