my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
