Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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