Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
