I cannot find my penis.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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