My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
