At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
