I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize