dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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