I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
