I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
