I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize