Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
