We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
