we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you bring me the toilet please
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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