I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
