im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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