I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
