nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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