I'll bet she douches with gravy.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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