I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
