Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
