Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
