Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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