Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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